Hi nightowl, I just took the questionnaire and got 137, so we have a very similar score. I feel pretty overwhelmed by the number of major and minor concerns the feedback raised, and I don't think it was completely accurate (eg. some of the questions don't give enough options for individual cases, which influences some of the answers we choose) but, like you, I'm surprised at how resistant I can be to really looking at what all this means about me. I'm not in denial about suffering from depression, for example - well, not these days - but I underplay (to myself first and foremost) how crucial it is to my wellbeing, with the result that I won't let myself experience truly legitimate concern. Does that make sense? I mean, I give myself the hardest time for being in this situation. For so long I've denied that there's something very dangerous and damaging about how I feel about myself, and in relation to myself. It comes out in my self-talk, but the paradox is that I LISTEN to my self-talk about what a loser I am and BELIEVE it, instead of seeing it for what it is: the symptom of a serious disorder. I think the best thing about taking that test for me is seeing all those indications listed as pretty serious concerns that any self-respecting or otherwise healthily-functioning person would ACCEPT as worthy of treatment and compassion. Whereas, my default setting is to beat myself up, believe a lot of myths about personal power and strength of character (that clearly don't apply to me!) and consequently suffer even more.

This is my first post here. I think coming to this forum today is a sign that I'm tired of dealing with my resistance to the fact of my suffering and the emotional, mental and physical exhaustion it has finally wrought. And I desperately need to be among people who understand this nightmare and can share their experience and/or listen, or just BE here as who they really have come to be through their depression. I need to be real, and also to discover if there's a real possibility of moving beyond this fearful state.