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Nov 15, 2008, 08:43 PM
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Member Since: Nov 2008
Location: MA
Posts: 34
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I am new to group/boards and still trying to figure out how to start a new post as I try but it doesn't seem to work. I admire the fact you are able to get out all of your feelings into a post to share with others. There sounds like so much is going on. I hope that the days ahead start to get a little brighter for you as I know how hard it is have so much on your plate and your emotions tied up. I will be thinking of you.
Andy
Quote:
Originally Posted by JudeeB
For the past few weeks I have sensed depression creeping back in. My sleep is eratic, I overeat, I feel like I'm just going through the motions of my life. I don't skip church, or my recovery meetings, I'm there and I listen and share yet at some level I feel detached and distant. I am not happy. It feels like I have settled for a safe, small life.
I chide myself for feeling this way. I have a very nice place to live, just enough money to pay my bills with a little left over. I have nice women friends that I have made over the past two years. I don't work and people have told me they envy that. I have opened up more and been more real with the gals in my recovery group, yet the things that hurt the most, the things I think about that are disturbing I keep to myself. I never let people in all the way. I don't trust them.
In my head I know it's a lie that I'm too different, that I only fit in when I strive to be like them. I hide my differing views to fit in, I hide my mental health issues, but resent doing it.
Like so many others my dishonesty and fears and expectations of myself and others get all twisted.
My depression, my resentments, all of that begins in my thoughts and my thoughts can be based on emotions that aren't reliable.
After a lifetime dealing with this dynamic I know what I'll have to eventually do. I'll have to force myself to blow the dust off my gratitude journal and get focusing on what is right and good in my life. I'll have to focus on self care, and on others a bit more. I call it a major attitude adjustment. I don't have to be ruled by my feelings. Feelings are not facts.
But maybe not today. I guess every once in while I throw myself a pity party and I'm not ready to leave yet. I still want to grieve over my BF that is far away and dying, I want to feel sad that I missed out on so much in life, I want to feel bad about another holiday coming and my youngest son won't be here for it since he died nine years ago, I want to brood about having so many brothers and sisters who don't know where I am and don't care, I still want to resent all the people who want me to listen to their crap without taking any interest in mine, I want to feel sorry for myself that I'm getting old and my arthritis hurts today.
Had a great therapist once who said I could be as happy as I chose to be. I had a choice. Man! Did I hate hearing that!! But over the years I have seen how right she was. And just for today I choose to hold on to the blues a little longer.
If it hangs on too long or gets deeper it will be back to the meds again.
But today I'm not too far gone that I can't see my out, I'm just not ready to go there.
Judy
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