so what the hell does it mean when you dont want to stop? i know that feelings do pass. i know i have wanted to change. i know that i have changed and lived a different life in which i could cope in ways that didnt involve me bleeding, or giving myself black-eyes and bloody knuckles... but what about right now? what about the times after ive hit the wall (literally) and i did not regret it, and it made me feel better, and i am not cursing myself for doing it, and i am not crying? like right now, when i feel composed and fine and i even have the URGE to post something?

i feel like such a self-centered, over-dramatic fraud. a total player.

sorry to vent. im not looking for petting. i just do not understand why i even bring my SI issue up when often i dont have much of a push to change it.

i feel really strange about posting this, but im hitting the button anyways... i hope this doesnt bother anyone...