Hi Tgr, I read this last night, but decided it was too good not to sleep on before responding. You have put into words very beautifully some real core issues for all of us I think.

For now, I'll try to address three different aspects of your post, even though the various tributaries attached to your questions are well worth travelling. lol. Maybe this will end up one more of those monster threads.

First I guess is the anti med stance. I'm there myself, we know we have that in common. Most of what I want to do by way of response in all of these aspects is to challenge the "givens." For example, is it more accurate to say that you are opposed to side effects of inappropriate meds for you, or to say that you are philosophically, and militantly opposed to the concept of medication? I stacked the deck there in my favor with that second question, I know perfectly well that doesn't characterize your attitude, but for the sake of contrast and illustration I take liberties. lol. The "given" I'm trying to expose here is the idea that at any given moment you "know" what your best coping life will look like in terms of which meds and when and why. That is a picture that you will always be reexamining as cycles change, circumstances change, effectiveness of meds change. Against such a changing back drop it isn't very healthy to feel certain about sticking with this or that course and level of treatment. More important is developing an ever increasing ability to self monitor honestly. Maybe you want to consider loosening your grip on the med free stance to allow a more lucid condideration of options before you are in a crisis again. That's the kind of thinking I'm driving at.

Btw, you do really well. You've got a life that's working and I'm way impressed with your insight and tenacity. None of this is anykind of chastisement. I hope you hear that. But this is how my mind works.

You present a dillema and want to make the right choice between being able to fake appropriate feelings while feeling numb on meds, or to have to express inappropriately according to the cycle de jour. Is that really the true "given" here? My idea is not to choose. Look for the middle of that. Is it truly such a fork in the road? According to the PDSMP (the big dx book) the extreme ends of extreme cycles usually last up to two weeks. You have to ask yourself questions like, how many weeks are between those bad ones? What is the quality of life for those weeks,or however long? What med does what and how soon for how long? Which ones get you out of crisis? I'm pretty sure I'm at least as anti med as you, but I know to ask for Zyprexa by name when I get psychotic symptoms. lol.

It seems to me you've had one of those rude awakenings of bp finding new avenues of expression at the expense of your life's peace. You aren't at a crossroad. You don't have a right or wrong choice to make. You have your life to live in whatever way you choose is best for you, and you will have to modify that for yourself forever. In that process, you will often have to look at the truth of two opposite things and find where they overlap. Let the question burn inside you, and drive your conciousness and your mind, but try resisting the impulse to "answer."

The third aspect I mentioned has to do with reading between the lines on my part. I sense that you are sort of rattled at feeling like your anti med stance is threatened right now. Like maybe the dilemma about weather to fake your feelings is, in fact, a "fake" for trying on what you fear is a cloak of defeat? A subtrefuge of sorts? I don't mean like you are trying to deceive in the post, but that for yourself if you look at the question of the dilemma, does it want to turn into a question about to medicate or not to medicate and how that makes you feel? Hope that long shot guess isn't offensive, don't mean to presume or anything. lol. You never know how something is going to sound to someone else. I can get pretty wrought about it. I think the world of you, and I trust that's understood. lol.

The fact that you are seeing a choice in how you emote with others is huge. That is really worth studying. What is emoting, who's doing it, what is it? If the seroquel has shifted your awareness for a moment into a kind of third person dispassion, I would take full advantage of that to explore this new perspective on emoting. Find the "givens" and challenge them.