I don't know where to put this, but I am posting here. I am at a point where I don't want to do this anymore. I am tired of putting up with the BS. Whenever I try to move forward something pulls me back. In an effort to push through my social anxiety I tried to make plans to spend some time with a friend I haven't seen in ages and I get bailed on twice in one week. We'd originally set a date for Wednesday, then she said oh well I am going out to eat in the city, I will give you a call by or before Friday to set the plans. I never heard from her.I am beginning to think there is something wrong me. I have a job I hate, I am living in a city I hate and Im 400 miles away from the guy I have been dating for 3 years now and I miss him. He's really all I have...him and my sister. I feel safe with him (despite is temper, which is rarely directed at me). I feel like I can be myself with him. I can strip myself of the masks and just be myself. My twin sister is my absolute best friend. She was all I had growing up. She is my only connection to life. The only reason I am still here.

I feel like a complete failure. I have a family full of execs and lawyers and IT geeks, and entrepreneurs and I'm nobody. I hate going to family functions where everyone wants to know what I am doing with my life and the second I finish telling them, they walk away. Guess my life or what I do isnt interesting enough to them when they can go talk to my VP sister who's getting ready to start her own consulting firm. I just don't feel good enough for anyone. Im no one anyone wants to know. And I don't blame them cuz I have nothing going on. I have spent my entire life just being "there"--- almost invisible and my lack of childhood memories proves that. I haven't made an impact in anyones lives at all. I am just sucking the life out of them. I'm tired of being overlooked unless someone wants something from me, unless I can be of use to someone, then thats when my phone rings and it's never to find out how I am doing--it's to get something from me or they trying to get in touch with someone else. If it weren't for the guy I am dating, I wouldn't even have that stupid phone and I could be saving 90 dollars a month! When my mom talks about my sisters she talks about them with this huge proud smile on her face and I wonder if she ever says anything about me...probably not. I really don't care though. I've never had a good relationship with her. She never took much of an interest in me. I always wondered what was it about my older sisters that enabled her to have a relationship with them and not me...It probably had something to do with her regretting having married my father, but it's not like I asked to be here.

I just want to run away.

I want to run away to a mountain side cabin where there's only catalog shopping and i have to chop my own firewood to heat my home, travel 20 miles to get my mail, if anyone cares to send any, from the post office because it's too dangerous to deliver mail to someone who lives on the side of a mountain. Eventually I will either be taken by the elements, be eaten alive by a bear while chopping wood, die of loneliness in the company of my 5 cats and two birds.----OKAY thats a little extreme, but the point is I will probably end up alone for the rest of my life and if that's that case why not just go somewhere and hide until I die...no one will care anyways....

I am just sooooo tired of living my life waiting and hoping to die everyday. I hate feeling disconnected. I hate living like this and I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this! Empty and numb and just being "there". There are chunks of me missing and I don't think any amount of therapy will bring them back or give me what I probably never had... Everyone around me is living and loving life and I just can't get into the swing of things. I wonder what it's like on the other side. I wonder what it's like to be happy and full of emotion. I wonder what everything looks like. There's probably clarity and a sense of peace and love and contentment and a vision of the future...I can only imagine what it's like, I have no idea of what's really on the other side.

Sorry if there's tons of typos or if everything seems jumbled. My mind feels jumbled....