LOL, sqrl you little bugger you! You certainly have a way of taking things down to the nitty gritty. I think I both love and hate that about you, lol.

Okay, yes, I need to be a little more relaxed about "no med" stance. With this last cycle I gave in and I'm glad I did. It's the sleep issue that did me in the most. Without proper sleep I deteriorate rapidly, everything becomes so much more exaggerated. Even though I may "think" I'm fine with the 2 hours of restless sleep, in reality I'm not. So I sought help for that most specifically.

I've remarked in another thread about the unique "quirks" of each cycle, so I understand what you're saying about having to adapt and adjust to any particular "given" in any "given" cycle. That, I think, I've had some success with. Over time I'm getting better...all apart of the self-relection that usually follows a cycle and I'm just coming out the other side.

I also agree with your assessment of my black and white attitude about the whole "med" issue. I thank you for bringing that forth into my consciousness. A very important point you make. I'm really not at a fork in the road unless I choose to make it a fork in the road. I can be pretty thick, retarded and stupid about some things. Including the fact that I do see "having" to take meds as some sort of defeat. Not in that I think of myself as wonder woman, no, I just think of myself as having to make a trade off I'm not happy about, nor do I feel good about. So the issue becomes, what am I willing to sacrifice when it gets so bad that I'm considering a med to help me. Truth be known, I've got a drawer in my bathroom FULL of medication. I'm happy to say that drawer gets opened very little. I get stubborn about it. I can recognize that now I'm a little more sane, the errors in judgement I make in the throes of a cycle.

Okay, all that being said, I woke up at 4am today with only one thought treading water in my mind. FREE WILL. This is a monumental gift from God to the human race. In EVERYTHING we do, say, think and feel, we have a choice. Regardless of being bp. What we choose do within any given moment of a cycle IS a choice. We are not victims by any stretch of the imagination. Bp, to me, is a wonderful gift. It has colored my life in many, many beautiful ways, including this very moment. It encompasses every emotion, every thought and every act (when cycling). With bp we can't always control how we feel. Our defenses are down, self-preservation is weak, we may even have "psychotic episodes", which many times completely removes reality. However, we still have free will with what we're gonna do with those feelings that are so overwhelming. How to channel them, use them, grow from them, artistically express them, write them, share them AND block them with meds if need be. It's always a choice that we have free will over. Yeah! This is very good news ppl. Don't throw this gift away, don't shove it to the back of the closet, don't block it by telling yourself and others how powerless you are. Don't hide behind it, pretending to use it to manipulate others. Grab it with both hands, embrace it, allow it to permeate your whole life...bp or no bp.

Okay, now I have to clarify certain things...the things we're born with are not things of free will. Those are a given, I can choose not to be bp until I'm blue in the face and it won't change that fact that I am. The free will factor comes in with, what am I going to choose to do with my illness. In there, lies the key. In there lies the issue of, to medicate or not to medicate. This also means I have a choice as to whether or not I'm going to "fake" my feelings or wear them on my sleeve. The goal, to find that middle ground, as you implied in your post sqrl. When I'm no longer able to make that distinction, most likely it's time to take a med that is best for that particular cycle, one that is good for the short term, not intended for the long term, for ME anyway (which is why I refrain from stating my meds). And the reason for this desire to "fake it" is that a lot of the time, most of the time, ppl don't understand, ppl take things personally that were never intended as such, ppl will see your work suffer and judge you about it, a loved one takes irritability to heart and then becomes frusterated themselves because the next thing they know is you showering them with love, life, profound insights into the relationship (whatever it may be, mother, brother, wife, child, etc...). This in my opinion, is a "given", which is why I feel the need to be able to have a choice in how I "emote" to other ppl.

Thank you sqrl, pat, DE for sharing yourselves with me. You've all given me much to think about, things that I want to think about. That, too, is a wonderful gift. TgrsPurr.