There is part of me that doesn't want to quit. There is part of me that thinks I will be able to control it on my own and not go overboard. I know that is not a healthy way of dealing with it and it has the potential to spiral, I told my therapist about my drinking and that I wasn't sure if I was ready to let it go yet...part of me thinks I dont know what I would do without it, which isn't healthy--i see that. I just like to know that it's there if I need it...But my only other option is working out and I don't have a healthy relationship with that either...clearly I developed poor coping skills, but they are all i have for now...

I don't know what I want out of life. I just want to be happy. That's what I always say and then my T asks what happiness looks like. I can't answer that...i have no idea. I'd assume it's living life to live it and love it, instead of the opposite, which is my case. If I try to answer your final question, I'd feel like I'd just completed one big circle of my response LOL. It goes from knowing I need to stop for all the various reasons(in fact there's a bottle hidden in my closet I want to pour out, but can't bring myself to do it), but Im not ready to stop b/c what would I do with out it? And then I am back at the beginning....I will figure it out. Thanks for giving me something to think about