((((( Doesitend? )))))

I'm sorry to hear things are so rough for you. 12 years of marriage is a long time. With any marriage of course, it is about team work and working together and loving each other. It doesn't sound like there is much love there right now.

Sounds like you have done all you can, with the couples counselling, again it is something that you both need to want to do if you want to make it work.

I can't tell you what to do, but maybe it is time for you to think about your own needs now, and your 6 year old child's. What is really best for you and how you would go about making things right.

your husband does sound from your post to have his own issues , if this going on around your six year old child its not good for her, maybe if you are ready to leave you should look into that , i am not telling you to leave nobody can do that only you can decide, make sure you have a plan of action find out about custody, dont asume coz he will fight you he will win get advice about it,

kathy

Doesitend?

Do you believe your husband has dealt with his childhood abuse issues? Your description of his behaviour suggests not. All the stuff he gets angry and upset about - do you believe it's down to you, do you believe his version? Your account suggests that he projects and blames, doesn't take responsibility. Can you live with that any longer? Are you so scared that you'll stay where you are, remaining vulnerable to the outbursts, attacks and capricious attention-seeking?

However you view your own issues, that's what they are: difficulties that you are owning. Does your husband offer that kind of equality?

Of course you fear you won't get custody of your daughter - you've been under his kosh for the longest time, and all your efforts to create a loving relationship have been rejected. The glasses you're looking through right now are extremely blurred because of everything you've been through and where you still are. There's a very big likelihood that you can't see clearly enough to have the trust that by saving yourself you'll provide a much healthier environment for your daughter, and others will see this too and trust you with her safety.

I wish you the clarity to see the courage within you and use it without looking back. You've tried repairing the marriage and it seems to have been overlooked. Now it's time to channel all that concern, energy and love into moving beyond the relationship and towards yourself.

Look out for a book by Melody Beattie called 'The Language of Letting Go' - it can be very useful to anybody who's been in some sort of codependent situation, of any description. In parts you'll need to read between the lines to apply the wisdom to your particular difficulty, but much of it will jump straight off the page for you and give you daily encouragement and support.