I have been so depressed for years with varying intensity. It crept up on me insidiously when i was sixteen and has stuck ever since. I sought help from a counselor when i was 20 and she sent me straight to a doctor who put me on meds. I feel as though i have tried all the different medication there is and still gotten nowhere. I have finally been put onto a drug that has shifted my mood a little (lexapro), but its not making living any easier. life is still so hard. im tired all the time. lethargy morning noon and night, that just doesn't ever seem to pass. I want to sleep all day and all night, yet i can't seem to get into that deep sleep where i feel restful. my nights are plagued with dreams and nightmares, but often just my mind racing over and over in circles not knowing what to do. I think about the end constantly. I crave for it. I don't want to kill myself but all i want to do is waste away. or die somehow so i don't have to do it by my own hands. They all say it will get better, but its been 10 years this week and not much has changed in the way of me feeling better. How am i supposed to have faith with that history. and its not like i havn't tried, but i keep giving up because i just get no results. Im at a stage where i don't even bother caring that i was abused. I don't even care to think about it. im tired. the flashbacks come and i just go to sleep or my mind just leaves and im in lala land. but i don't care. i don't really care about anything. i can't enjoy anything or anyone. im overwieght but dieting, but nothing changes. A man wouldn't look at me in an appealing way even a mile away. Depression has taken everything from me. its taken everything enjoyable. Everything i have aspired to be. everything i long to be. It has faded me into nothing. All i do is cry and sleep and wish my life away. I have help, but im not getting anywhere. I just really want my world to end so i don't have to hurt anymore. im just so sick of it all. Nothing is going to change me...i know that for certain...im 26 next week and my life amounts to nothing. All my sisters have high payed jobs which they love and are meeting the loves of their lives, getting married and having babies. Im just stuck stagnant. I know my parents are dissapointed which they sometimes hint in their round about ways. They all want me to be like the others..and so do i.....god i wish i had a loving man and children. but i cna't even look after myself let alone a child. what's wrong with me that i can't get better. this mental illness is killing me slowly. id much rather just end it quickly...im fed up with life.........but i don't have it in me to end it....but by god,,,its all i think of.