((((((((((((Kimmydawn))))))))))))
(((((((((((RhysMadison)))))))))))
safe hugs

Thank you for being there and caring and writing about how it is for you too. Yes, it's so hard to live. The simplest things are so hard. i never told anyone but my h found out when i had to be admitted to a trauma unit. T and my psychiatrist talked with him another time about two years ago. It was a very difficult session for me. i was not able to raise my head up even once. H was talking about when he first met me and how i was so afraid to go home after we went out.

The only other people that ever found out was the psych teacher college who first noticed that i had DID and told me and the counselors there i think knew because they treated me so weird- like i was an alien or something. After that i made sure no one would know. A friend from church visited me when i was in the hospital so she found out. Then she came over my house to visit and said that it was messy and that there were demons there- in my house. i was so afraid about the demons that i drove to a park and ride lot and was going to sleep there instead of going home. No one understands- i don't want to get all spooked out again.

H used to think that i had demons. Now he's not sure but says T makes me worse. He didn't like T and he said that going to t ruined me. That i was forever ruined in my mind because of going to t. It's so hard to take because i have all this evidence against me (the way i act). He know that the violence at home hasn't helped me and i think that now he tries to understand.
He sees some of my parts - how differently they see him and how upset i get he just doesn't think that t will help. i don't know if it will help either. Thank you KD for saying that it becomes easier - i hope that it will for me too.
RhysMadison, i try to keep it all separate too, as much as i can. It gets so hard sometimes. i have a part that goes to an outdoor club that has a different name. Once someone asked, How come sometimes you say your name is ___ and sometimes___? My parts betray me by doing things that i'd never do- like getting angry at social security office and almost getting arrested. i'm withdrawn and quiet. The behavior gets out of control or i forget things and it's so hard to have to say, Sorry i forgot again and it doesn't make sense to people- like my boss at work. Then i am so angry at my parts, at myself. It's really frustrating. i wish i had things under control. i know that everyone has trouble with this. i read the other posts here and it' get discouraging thinking it won't become any better. i hope that it does. There's so much hurt and anger inside when people say things like," 'kerria' , you know you can't handle a full-time position here. You're late almost everyday. i don't want to be in a position to have to let you go because you can't get through the probationary period.' (my supervisor at work said recently) The part that works said yes to a full time position but she pulled me aside to say that we could never do it. Stuff like that hurts.
People don't know my dx but still the sx are evident. It's so frustrating to the part that works hard to be professional.
How do we manage not to hate ourself?

Thanks for being there,
kerria