ok, for starters: borderline personality disorder is not my official diagnosis. but i think i exhibit most traits of it, so to personality place this goes...

also, before you're warned, be forewarned...




t r i g g e r i n g !








i can't live with the constant fear of being abandoned. i can't live like this. i want to sleep forever.

i was supposed to go see my new pdoc today. my bf walked me to the mailbox, but i didn't even say bye because i was pissed at him. i was pissed at him because he has female friends and i feel that he would rather talk to them than me. at least they aren't mean to him like me. i bet they are all over him.

i told him that i don't want to be a jealous girlfriend before we moved in. i told him that i'm most certainly not going to be watching over his shoulder 24/7 when he's online.

it's just so hard to trust him whenever i see him talking with a girl. he accepts my male friends, and i have no romantic feelings for these friends. 0. nil. zilch.

so anyway.. i missed the bus, then decided i would eat a whole bottle of lithium. (it's supposed to balance out my moods... but i just stopped taking it to see if things were any different without it)

in the end, when i got home, i locked myself into our bedroom, took the remains of my restoril (temazepam) and waited for the effects to kick in. he came in, laid down beside me, and i asked him:

me: why do you tolerate this? me being mean to you, me hitting you?
him: well you hitting me is not nice..
then i break down crying: i don't mean to...
him: i know. it would be a completely different thing if you didn't feel bad about it.

then the rest of the day was a blur. thanks to the benzos... gahd. they shouldn't give this stuff to me.

anyway... just wanted to vent.. and to see if anyone can relate.


Twilight