My ex is getting married the first of the month. The people we knew are giving them a wedding shower. Why do they need a shower? He kept everything we owned. She’s pregnant. I wanted children. The answer was no. I wanted to adopt. The answer was no. I wanted to be a foster parent. The answer was no.

I did find out her name is not mine, but very similar. She is wearing my jewelry, the ones he swore to the judge he had lost. “Honest mistake, Your Honor. As soon as I find them, I’ll see she gets them right away.”

We had a beautiful home and we gave it up to live his with mom. She was really sick and I took care of her, did her bank accounts, advised on stocks and did her IRA’s. I made money for that woman. Then the ex became a monster. When it was leave or die I had to leave everything I had, my furniture, my clothes, everything except my computer, my meds and my purse.

At the hearing, it didn’t matter that my entire left hand was swathed in burn bandages and that I had 2nd degree burns even under my finger nails. Since I had no broken bones or blackened eyes and had no prove he burned me... He showed up at the hearing with a sleazy lawyer in a cheap polyester suit with lies about my diagnosis’. I showed up with the truth. I lost everything but my car, my computer and a few personal items I had before we were married. I didn’t even get all of them. I went from comfortably well off to homeless in a matter of days.

He put his Mom in a nursing home and now lives in a nice home high atop a hill and he and his new one are sleeping in my bed, sitting on my furniture and using my dishes.

He started dating immediately. I have been asked out several times, but refuse to go. The one attempt I made recently went down like a sky rocket burnt in flames. That taught me a huge lesson. I must make myself as well as possible, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally before I can possibly move on to another relationship. I have accepted there may never be another one because I don’t seem to have sense enough to recognize a healthy relationship. I thought I had grown enough in therapy to know one, but the flaming sky rocket episode proved clearly that I do not.

It will be three years in September since I left. Next week I will have lived in this hell hole of an apt. for two years. Maybe that is it more than anything. My father left me a farm and very nice home which my mother sold. He depended on her to keep her word. Well that didn’t work. My ex ruined my home there and now I am here, trapped. Sirens blare all night and gun shots, fights and traffic clash constantly. There is no peace and quiet, no fresh air, no scent of trees, no real privacy and no safety... I need to escape. I need away from this apartment, away from my family - away from everything. I need to start over, but I just can’t figure out how. It’s just not in the budget.

I don’t want him back at all, but there is no one here to reach out and touch in the middle of the night when the nightmares hit. No roommate, no friend. I have learned to live by myself and accept it, but that does not mean I like it. I feel so trapped and so lonely that I am not sure I can take it anymore without something more breaking inside...and there is just not enough left of me in here to be able to afford that.

I don’t really expect any answers and I sure don’t want pity. I know there will probably be some replies and I will appreciate every one, but I don’t really expect them. I hesitate to post anything so personal and it is a hard choice to make, but I just need someone, somewhere to know that I am alone and trapped and I can’t find a doorway or window to escape.