Me too, it was a huge relief.. I was in floods of tears for ages, but just knowing that Katie knew what I meant helped. I didn't make any sense at all, but she knew what I meant and I've only just started to properly feel the effect of my childhood really hitting home. Like my Dad committing suicide. I'd never ever talked about that before.. Yet, something just brought it up in me to talk about it to katie and it was such a relief.

So many people think they know what I think and feel and it bugs and frustrates me so much because.. Even I don't understand what I think and feel, so how the hell can they say they "know" exactly what I'm thinking and feeling??? ARGH!!! it really gets to me!

It was a comfort to have such friendly people at the hospital who didn't judge me... I was so scared they'd hate me for trying to kill myself when they're there trying to save lives, that don't deserve to be lost, you know? So, I had a lot of people to talk to there and help me to understand the way I feel myself, too.

Going through it in my own head and just ouring my heart out to Katie made it easier because I always think too much.. This time, I didn't even think about it, I just blubbed it out and it felt so.. Light.. Like a huuuuuuuge, massive, gigantic weight had been lifted off my heart.

I'm finding college quite tough today already, can barely stay awake I'm so tired.. But.. I'm going to try and make it until at least the last two hours of the day which is a pretty boring lesson anyway. But we'll see.. The teacher for that lesson would understand if I left and let him know why.

I got into college and was so nervous and still am! That I've been tripping over things, shaking a lot, falling asleep, feeling sick etc. But I'm holding out for as long as possible. One of the friends from my group that knows about it was happy to see me, but not happy about me being in college..

I know I'm overdoing it as it is, but I just can't stay stuck at home, bored. It makes me even more tired and I just have mre time to plan other life-threatening things.

Connor's knd of ok with me now I think. Told me that when I hug him and talk, I sound so vulnerable, but when I'm stood apart from him, I'm so defensive. Which I know to be true but that's because I'm so used to needing to be defensive when stood apart from people, because of my childhood of always being shouted at, never cuddled or anything.. Wow.. I understand so much more now! It's great to just be able to reel it off!

*sigh* enough said. I have an hour off now, so this is my time to kind of chill out.. Although because of being so nervous etc, I can't eat. So that's not a great idea considering how low my blood sugar levels are and how weak I've been.

Apologies for any miss-spellings, this computer is so slow!