I don't have any time free of si. Maybe I haven't used the blade in 7 weeks, but none of it counts since it isn't self-motivated, and I still want to hurt myself, and I have plenty of minor 'accidental' injuries that I don't count because I didn't fly into a rage and use a knife. Just little scratches and burns. Plus sitting on my ankle the wrong way, eating such a poor diet that I get anemic, etc. Extremely minor stuff, but it is continuous. And even bigger than that, I hurt myself constantly with my negative thinking.

Last night I wanted the knife again. I can't be good enough. I'm ruining my kids by not spending enough time with them, not teaching them right, not working with them. I'm at work all the time and when I'm home I'm lazy and self-centered and I don't want to deal with things, and I just leave them to take care of themselves, and it's a bad problem. They run around in dirty clothes, and other kids don't want to sit by them, and my daughter's teacher asked if she can do my daughter's laundry for her. My other daughter picks up all of my bad habits - including biting herself and banging her head and who knows what else. They all sneak and lie and steal, and it's all my fault.

Last night I didn't use the knife. I talked to people in chat, and Angela got my thinking straightened out a little, and I wrote to T. I felt better, until I woke up. DH yelled at everybody again, and he won't see any options for dealing with no clothes dryer that don't involve overspending.

I think we take luxuries for granted, and assume that we are entitled to them, and if we don't provide them for our children, then that's abuse. I need a clothesline, and DH doesn't want to do that. He says either we have to buy a dryer, or go to a laundromat every day. Those aren't really options because we keep spending more money than we bring in, and we don't have time. But we have a washing machine (could even wash clothes by hand - horrors!), and can air dry them. And I guess I should be doing it all personally and not expecting the kids or DH to have to help. I keep my clothes clean and presentable, and DH's if he puts them in a laundry basket instead of throwing them all over the floor, but have expected the kids to take care of their clothes. DH says I have never cleaned anything, and have never taught the kids anything, and he says he is going to have to step in and do everything, since I won't, but he won't either. I wish he would just clean up all the soda cans and garbage that fill up his side of the bedroom. The other laundry option is to ask for help with getting a dryer (church would help), but he doesn't want to do that. Would rather keep spending more than we have, since we can, and take care of it ourselves. That's why we don't have enough money now. Too much debt! We ought to be able to live on our current incomes. It should be plenty.

I guess you didn't need to hear all that. And I don't deserve any more help. I really appreciate all that you have all contributed here, and that you care. I just shouldn't keep bothering people about something that I cause myself and am not actually willing to do anything about most of the time.

Thanks so much for everything. I apologize for being so onery and wasting your time reading this.
Rap