rambling. venting.









i grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family. think my father has always drank. mother beat me up a lot when i was young. think she stopped when i was around 13, when i had just gotten my beagle (may he rest in peace) and he attacked her when she started arguing.

one of the few memories from my childhood includes sitting in car with mom, after she had fought with father, and packed all of her stuff. we're waiting for a train to cross, and suddenly she asks me, do you think we should get on the tracks?

ok, the violence on mother's part stopped when i was a teenager, thanks to my intergalactic wonder beagle. father drank still. he was pretty violent. emotionally abusive mostly, but pretty violent. i have some disgusting memories involving him, that trace back to my early childhood, but i'm not sure if they are real.

anyway, father's drinking has and is still taking its toll on all of us. even my sister, who is 13 years older than me, and has lived on her own since she was 16 (i'm 20 now), has nightmares about him being drunk. she isn't even in immediate contact with him, and she has nightmares about him. exactly how screwed up is that?

needless to say, my "home" has always been a battlefield.

when i started going out with my friends, meeting guys, i noticed that i would hit everyone who tried to get close to me. i would kiss and then hit and become a completely different person. i blamed the drink for this.

well, i moved in with my boyfriend well over a month ago, and been having angry outbursts more often, for various reasons. paranoia, weight fluctuation, thinking he doesn't love me, seeing him as the abuser.. and i've hit him. 100% sober.

now she's in jail for attacking her man..
- - celine dion, "treat her like a lady"

i seriously need a course in anger management.

though of course, i break down crying after i realize what i've done. and i hate it when he apologizes for something that was definitely my fault.

i don't want to break him, me being broken is enough. this relationship isn't gonna work if i'm going to wreck him just by being the way i am.

oh yeah, another wonderful thing, started seeing a new psych nurse because i moved to another city, and have to start allll over again. and the former one passed on the info about my most diagnosis, which is, schizoaffective disorder. (which i don't deny, but they just put too much emphasis on it)

i seriously need a course in anger management.

repeating oneself is good.

i haven't gone crazy, and i'm not fooling around.
- - some guy in the game silent hill


twilight