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And I would like to add the following information:
(Trigger-- mention of SI here)
When I left him the message I told him how I ended up SI'ing because I absolutely could not deal with the feelings of guilt because of the feelings, images, and thoughts that came up in regards to being angry at my dad. I told him that it got so bad that I felt as though I could not live with the guilt and the hatred towards himself for those thoughts and feelings-- so the SI ended up migrating to my wrist-- I did not do anything deep, and I had to end up calling one of those stupid crisis lines that I hate only because I know how impulsive I can be and I knew that when I talk to someone on the phone I would never SI at the same time, and by the time I'm done talking I am usually distracted enough to stop SI'ing-- it doesn't even matter what the person says; usually I'm not listening-- it's just the fact that it's a distraction.
I feel like leaving T another mesasge telling him **** YOU and THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME STEW IN THESE HORRIBLE EMOTIONS OF GUILT AND HATRED TOWARDS MYSELF. THANK YOU FOR NOT GIVING A **** THAT I LEFT YOU MULTIPLE DISTRESSING MESSAGES.
I am obviously very angry. Verrrrrry angry.
And very scared. Cause if I was needy before my dad died-- well now I'm needy to the 93737277283404th power. And maybe the time has come where he is tired of dealing with it.
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