Ok so he called like an hour after I wrote that post. He said something really important regarding my guilt about the anger (and the things I said) towards my father. He said, "The things you said may not have been towards your dad, the person-- they were towards the loss." Then he said exactly what I was thinking before I even said it-- he said something about the really scary part being that a part of me meant those things. I said, "Exactly! I tried to tell myself that I really didn't mean it... but that didn't work because of course a part of me did." T said that it is so hard for me to hold two opposing feelings for someone.

During the conversation some really scary images started to come up for me. They were very disturbing. I shared them with T and he helped to get me grounded.

I told him that I thought he was mad and that I was too needy and he couldn't take it anymore. He said, "It is natural for you to feel that this is all too much for you and then put it out there as it is too much for me-- but it is okay to put that out there." I love when he does that. He gives me "permission" to feel a certain way despite the fact that it is a projection.

There was one part of the conversation that was very important to me. I played the line over and over again in my head after we hung up as away to get myself away from the scary images and finally drift off to sleep.

He had said, "There have been many times when we have gone through negative situations together, in my office."

We? Together?

Apparently, he is in this with me. (So it only took me three years to figure this out. Big deal).

I told him how I was scared when he didn't call back, and he acknowledged that of course I would feel that way being that I really needed him and he took longer than usual to call back.

I didn't feel like expressing my anger at that time because before the phone call I had gone up to bed and I was crying over everything-- mostly my dad, but I was also crying and being exhausted over everything around that. So by the time T called, anger wasn't the dominating emotion.

I never keep emotions from him so when I see him on Tuesday, I will share with him about the anger.