Alright, I couldn't sleep. Anyhow, I was laying in bed and believe it or not, I started thinking about things I forgot to mention. My current issues are this, as you know, I just opened myself up to the possibility that I " trip " sometimes, and it's not right. But, as of October 2007, I started to feel like my husband was cheating, and I came somewhat close to believing it, and I have found numbers, while I was pregnant the second time. And he was rarely home the second pregnancy. His cellphone rings and he jumps up and erases the number. I called a number once and it was a female and she was very defensive , but she knew I was his wife. But I don't trust him anymore. I don't know if he is in my best interest . When I catch him lying, he doesn't admit to anything, he just says " I'm acting crazy " , so when I find out that he was trying to use my disorder to cover-up his lies, to me thats scary, because even though I was right, you let me think I was acting crazy, sometimes I would sobb and apologize while sobbing, and he will accept my apology, and maybe a week or two later, or a month the truth will come out. And he still won't apologize to me. But I have these children and this marriage that I obviously would like to keep , but I don't think I can. Like yesterday, Friday, he got off work , came in I had to go pick up my car, he was pissed because he had to watch the kids . . . Which I think was a ploy to get us into an arguement. I admit, after I picked the car up, I went and had a few beers and the bar, which was great for me, cause thats when I am less arguemenative, and confrontational. So when I came in, I just checked on the kids and then I went to bed. He was on the sofa. He gets up and comes back there and argues , then storms out. That I let ride, I layed back down. But then I awake Sat. morning and he was still not home. So I go back to bed and awake at 9-45am , and I call him, and he says he will be home at noon or 1pm. But nope, he doesn't show. Friday was payday for him by the way. I waited until 5pm and called, he says he's getn a haircut and when he is done he will be home. I watch my tv show and it went off at 8pm, I went to call him, and his cell is turned off, (power button). And it is still off. And I noticed a minute ago, that this pattern of starting something and staying out all weekend is getn to be regular. And the lies of blaming everything on my Bi-P. So a large part of my depression is this, I am too embarrassed to tell my sister or anyone, because when I was pregnant there was a rumor that he had sex with an ex-friend whom he had encouraged me not to be around. To me I have come a long way going into that Pdoc office the other day, and since October 2007 I have been depressed, suicidal, probably Psychotic. Because his behavior has been unbelievable. And I am afraid that he may hinder my treatment. I feel as though he takes advantage of my disorder .

I told myself, since I have never had treatment b4, I promised myself that when my MEDS make the smoke clear, (my thinking &overall ) that he had better appear properly, or I'm walking away.

I am gonna go get in bed now, (alone) . So this is my mood for the past 1 year, worried.

Goodnight