I know, depression doesn't let you exist. Do you know the cause? What is the reason you don't like yourself? Or what happened in your life that you feel that way? How was your childhood? How is your life with your husband? Welcome to the club... I wonder... how can we help each other if all of us are feeling the same way? Maybe by not thinking in ourselves and try to help someone, we will be giving the answer for our own problems as well... I think that is the purpose of the forums. By now, I understand you perfectly as all of us, I believe. We don't have a magic wand to turn us happy people from one day to the other. Now... would you like to focus on me, a stranger? What do you think I can do? I have a broken heart, I have a terminal illness though I am not in bed yet. I am 54 and I am married to a saint but we never have lived as husband and wife, happily for 8 perfect years, each one in our bedroom. All of the sudden when I realized that I have been celibate for 16 years! I miss romance in my life so much. My husband forgot he is open minded and denied me to have a relationship on the side. I had one anyway, with the man of my dreams for a year in a half, but... he is bipolar big time! He was wonderful, the greatest man on earth and next, he was cruel and upset for nothing. I'm not seeing him anymore. I miss him so much, my husband is not happy because I don't show any more joy as I used to every day... and I think... If I have 2 or 3 months left, or 2 or 3 years. I wish I could have romance as the last thing in my life. But I can't. I feel ugly, old and definetely, no self esteem at all... I cry, I have panic attacks and I don't enjoy anything anymore... Could you give me some ideas for me to feel better?