I've already changed docs to this one... this surgery is great... and the doc I'm seeing is fantastic, she really is. She's done loads. It's not her fault that I don't want to take the meds and she can't make me, she can't sit with me and force me. It's my fault, it's my fault I'm a mess ad it's my fault I can't fix it.
She has already referred me to a therapist... I haven't heard a thing from them yet and she knows that so she chased it up and asked why they hadn't sent anything... they said they would send me the 'questionnaire' within next two weeks (a week and a half ago).

Today was awful... drove somewhere today with dad in car (+ others) and he was just ranting at me and having a go at me and criticising me. Everyone else in the car said I was doing great. I ended up having to pull up because I was crying, it was really hurtful the way he spoke (as always). When we got to where we were going he made me do something I really didn't want to and I'd just given up at that point. I got a lot of triggers too then. I was in a bad way, I wasn't safe! I didn't know what to do... I needed to be safe and I couldn't. I sat in a public place huddled up crying and having suicidal thoughts. I tried visualising, didn't work so I just sat shaking saying "I need to be safe" over and over to myself. I used to be able to text John (about just a random thing, anything to distract me) but I don't even have that now. I'm home now and everyones gone back out. I'm scared and still upset, but feel a bit safer. I have a blanket and heat pads and cushions.
I shouldn't whinge on here, I've no right to... there are people on here a lot worse off than me and I just whinge and moan all the time. I'm sorry.