I'm zeroing in on the hell hole apartment of which you said, "Maybe that's it more than anything." Maybe indeed. Anyway, it seems like if you could change that, you will have affected much.

I get it that your resources are marginal, and don't really know the nature of whatever MI monsters you manage, but I just bet we could brainstorm you out of that apartment. I'd be happy to collaborate on that with you if you think you'd like that.

How far might you like to get from where you are? Can you describe a situation you would like, that would represent your idea of you within the means that you have?

The gift of being down so hard, not to seem trite, is that there can only be up in some direction. The stuff you've gone through was painful and reminders are ongoing. Well, let's get the f*** out of Dodge then, eh? It sounds to me like somewhere in all of that you are saying, ok, enough years and enough tears, let's go.

If you want to pm me details, I'll be happy to help as one more mind applied to unraveling whatever the logistics happen to be to get you somewhere else.

But weather with me or someone else or by yourself, I think you'd really do yourself a favor to move. Let me know If I can help. tc.