So I've been sitting here thinking and I don't know if it's the depression talking or what, but I feel like there are huge chunks of me missing. I just can't connect. I feel completely disconnected from myself and the world. I am terrified I will be like this for the rest of my life. Not being able to connect to anything. My stomach is turning and Im petrified. I don't want to end up alone for the rest of my life. I feel like I have been like this for my entire life, but didn't realize it until I graduated from college and was thrown in to the rough waters of real life. I am now realizing my parents didn't teach me how to swim. I didn't learn anything from them and it's all hitting me like a ton of bricks and the thought of it is completely disconcerting. What if medication doesn't work? Then I will be back at square one.

Sometimes I think something is innately wrong with me. And sometimes I like to think I was born with a bright light inside of me. It's a gift every single child is born with, despite whether or not the child is born 100% healthy or with some sort of challenge. I think that every child comes into this world with completely untainted minds, hearts souls/spirits that allow them to be completely happy, carefree, trusting, dependent, loving (wanting it and wanting to give it back) etc. Somewhere if things don't go right around the child...that gift gets lost, especially if no one is paying attention...If I ever had that gift, I don't know if I will ever get it back--i think i lost it YEARS ago and just realized it was missing... and if i never had it, I will probably never get it and I don't think any amount of therapy will help me find it....so what's the point??

I don't know if this made any sense...sorry.
I think I am working myself into a panic attack...so I think I am going to end this here and go meditate/journal/draw....