Life, grieve over the loss of this gift...
Then you can start on giving yourself the gift of hope and peace.
You are showing a lot of insight and I admire it.

As far as your therapist, please share with her/him. If need be, print out what you have written here. At one point in my therapy, writing to him was the only way I could communicate my feelings.
He was accepting of this, and I did make progress.
Perhaps mentioning something like it to your therapist may open other options.