This is a question about recovering from rape, so if that is a trigger for you, please, PLEASE don't read it. I don't want to trigger anyone, and can't figure out where to post this.


I was raped very violently in my late teens. I certainly could have been killed, but my rapist chose not to go that far, I guess.

I never planned on talking about this in therapy. I went to therapy to deal with the PTSD from all of the childhood crap. But for some reason I brought it up in an early session, and now it keeps coming back up.

I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. The times we have talked about it, I have dissociated, had flashbacks, felt really out of control and not in the room at all. But there is a part of me that still brings it up occasionally.

It is on my mind today. It's part of why I am running, running, running all the time, I think. I don't want to think about it, feel about it, talk about it, remember it. I remember WATCHING IT HAPPEN from another part of the room. That perspective is fine for me. I don't like it when I am the person on the bed...and I don't go there on purpose, but it has happened in a flashback twice and it's hard and it's scary and it hurts.

I wrote a bit about it today. I hate that I am not over it. I don't want to have to do therapy about it. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY. I WANT IT TO BE GONE.

T says that I will have power over it someday instead of it having power over me. Is that true? Please, someone tell me how you got power back, and how long it took. I am hating myself right now - HATING MYSELF - because it's still there, and I DON'T WANT IT.