How can this be good for me? How can it be good for me to tell the secrets that make me cry buckets of tears? How can it be good for me to reveal my guilt and remorse that brings up more and more memories and more tears?

I type words here and find tears rolling down my cheeks, down my neck. I feel panic. I start choking and can't breath. All of it makes me want to scream, to sound out every curse word I've ever heard, all at the same time. It makes me want to break things and let the rage cascade across the landscape.

I stay away from PC and the forums because each time I visit I'm compelled to key in some remark or comment, and that starts another round of nightmares in my wakefulness.

I read the kind remarks of others and the tear gates open. They cannot know the guilt inside me or they wouldn't consider making those kind remarks. Can you imagine - they would say kind things to someone like me?

The addictions are pulling me in the other direction. Common sense tells me to quit this PC stuff because I got by for years with all the secrets locked up and stored away. Can the addictions be worse than the revelations, the tears, the renewed feelings of guilt and incompetence?

Right here ... right here is where I want to yell out all those curse words. Right in this spot on the page. And I hear the mantra "i don't deserve it."