I have T in 1 hour. I know I need to talk about the rape. I know it, I can feel it pushing at me. I've been online this afternoon looking for my rapist (I think I know his name) and I have no idea why. I'm making myself crazy with fear.

I like what Perna said about taking PC with me...it does help to read what other people have done, how they have made it through.

I feel scared and small. My palms are sweating. I know the only way out is through, I tell people that all the time, and I believe it. AND I WANT OUT. But I know talking about it "today" won't end it, it's just a step. And ripping it open feels dangerous and awful.

Blah. I don't even know what else to say.