I survived. My session was at 6, and ran over, so I guess it ended 45 minutes ago. I am still shaking.

T sat with me, and I totally went back there. I can only remember bits and pieces.

My eyes were closed and I was sort of drifty and T said at one point for me to listen to his voice VERY closely. So I made myself focus. He had me picture myself walking out of the room. He knows the room well, because I've drawn it for him and described it, and he told me all of the things I was walking by on the way out, all of the things I was leaving behind in the room. He had me put my hand on the doorknob and open the door and go into the hall, where he was waiting for me. I told him I wanted him to go back into the room and he said he would but I had to close the door first. So, I closed the door, and then T went back in and promised he'd be back. He told me the things he said to the rapist...and then he came back out in the hall with me. He asked what we should do now. I wanted to build a big brick wall over the door...so T described us, me on the right, him on left, with mortar between us and each with a pile of bricks and we built the wall. With the rapist on the inside, and me on the outside, WITH T.

It did help. I still feel scared and kind of sick. I feel like I should have fought harder..like gouged out his eyes or something...but T said then he really MIGHT have killed me. He told me I did what I had to do to survive, and that I survived.

I am going to the bookstore with one of my sons. I just need to keep moving until all of this settles down. I still don't feel very okay, actually, which makes me feel like I'm not doing a good job. But I am trying.

Thanks for listening, and for supporting me. I tend to stay away from the PTSD board because of triggers, but I hope that someday I'll be healed enough to be able to come here and support everyone else.

In the meantime...