I can't handle this. I can't handle this.
I can deal with anything else - the flashbacks, the nightmares - ANYTHING. But not this, not the anger and the accusations, not the false realities. I haven't done anything wrong!!!!!

So I'm on my way home from work, and I get a call from the neighbors that Jon's not doing so well. I get home as soon as I can, and I go over to get him. We come home, and he's having flashbacks. Then he starts to get angry. OK, I've had it...I start to dissociate, so I go to the kitchen to get my "grounding stuff" (licorice Altoids and ice cubes). Now he's blowing up at me because I'm just "making a scene", creating "drama", trying to make it all about me.

F&^$ that.

I don't deserve this. I don't. I do everything in my power to support him and love him...I got my own problems, y'see. I do the best I can no any given day, and this particular day, I just wasn't able to hold on. SO now I'm the bad guy, I'm the one doing everything wrong, I'm the one who's f^%#ed in the head...I'm trying my damnedest to keep myself from dissociating away, and I'm told that I'm faking it. I'm looking for attention.

MY PROBLEMS ARE REAL, TOO!!!!!

I'm sorry that he had a rough day.
I'm sorry that he's suffered so much in his life that he doesn't get a day's peace.
I'm sorry that my last nerve hasn't been in very good shape lately.
I'm sorry I'm so weak.
I don't deserve this...