Quick background: Married young, met my first husband at 17. Spent 11 years in an extremely abusive marriage in a time when the police couldnt arrest the abuser unless caught in the act. Textbook abuser I guess, I was isolated, degraded, and 18 miles away from anyone hearing my screams. I fought back at first, not understanding the volatile relationship I was in. The beatings got worse, to the point I thought I would surely die "this time". Then something inside me snapped when he turned on our youngest child and only daughter, picking her up and shaking her violently when she touched something of his. I found a way to leave. I was done.

He retaliated by kidnapping the children while I was at work and living in hiding from him, then getting a divorce on the grounds of abandonment without my knowledge. I didnt know where my children were for 3 long, painful years. In that time I met a man and married him and we spent thousands of dollars in legal fees and investigator expenses until we found my children. I got full custody and began the process of rebuilding our lives. When my youngest child was 17, my second husband left me. My 2 sons were now by this time adults and living on thier own. So, it was my daughter and me, who were very close and, as I had liked to think back then, "a team".
I poured everything into her. I was poor but she found a way to go to college, I did the best I could by her, spoiled her, doted on her. She was my light. I built her up, wanting her to be strong so she would never have to endure what I did.
Then last year I began to sense something strange in her behavior towards me. She was no longer as loving as she had been but I thought it was the stress of school and living in NYC. (she had always been a small town girl) I would ask her if there was anything wrong and the answer was always no, just a heavy classload, etc.
Then earlier this month we got into an arguement over the phone. She by now had moved even further away from me, all the way to California, to be with her new boyfriend and to attend grad school there. I told her I had sensed her changing towards me and felt some anger in her I couldnt explain. And then it hit the fan.
I got a hate filled email from her, blaming me for everything she didnt have, telling me I was a bad mother, painting this picture of me I didnt recognize. She resented me. She then listed all of the mistakes I had made after I got custody of her (she was 6 at the time) and told me I was selfish and called me everything but a *****, which she heavily implied I was. I tried to defend myself, and explain that her view of the past had become twisted and I wanted to know why. Her version and mine are very different. She had been a happy, well adjusted child until now. She said any psychotherapist would agree that a 23 yr old's memory was much sharper than the fragmented pieces of a 50 yr old pot smokers and told me I was in denial of the horrible mother I really was. I was devastated. To add insult to injury, she said my version made me look like a saint, and that if being abused for 11 years at the hands of her father "were so terrible, why didnt I leave?"
I cant believe she would say that to me. She has invalidated who I am in that one sentence. I cant believe this is my beloved daughter saying this to me.
Now, I can no longer talk to her, not since she said that. And I dont know what to do. She knew how he was, he had even told her I was dead the 3 years he ran with her and her brothers. Btw, the abuser died during our last few months of custody battles. They have nothing good to say about him now and wont talk about him. He was very cruel and sadistic. And my daughter refuses to listen to anything I or anyone else has to say.
How do I deal with this. I am losing my daughter. My oldest son, who remembers everything so well, truly loves me and thinks his sister has literally gone crazy. He is grateful to me and works hard to have a decent life of his own. He knows how things really were and thinks she's being delusional or brainwashed by someone.

Her anger and skewed perception of the past 23 years, and the denial of what I went through is just too much. I raised her to be independent and aware. (she thinks she raised herself)
Now she is engaged to a man who adores her and Mom is just a pile of......well, you get the idea. I wrote and told her until she wants me in her life again and can find some love and compassion for me, to leave me be. I will not tolerate her disrespect and poisonous accusations. Now that
I have distanced myself, she doesnt show any signs of wanting me in her life. I am so confused. I dont know what happened to us. My light has gone out.
Am I wrong to place this distance between us after the cruel and hurtful things she said? I dont deserve them. I have made mistakes yes, but my love and support was always there for her. But her comment on "if the abuse was so terrible..." Ugh. I literally want to vomit.
I hope what I'm doing is right, because she's the only daughter I will ever have and I love her with all of my being. She had a safe, stable and happy life after her father died. I did the best I could. I made mistakes but nothing like she has accused me of, nor am I the person she insists I am. Its sad to think she doesnt even know me, and worse to know she hates me.