Hello, I have BPD and need help. Lately, my BPD has gotten worse than ever. I am uncontrollable. I am fighting with my b/f every single day, having intense suicidal thoughts every single day, and don't think I can live like this much longer. I just cannot control myself. I really don't want to resort to medication, but if nothing else has helped (and right now I cannot go to intense treatments because I'm broke and have no insurance) and I going to have to take it?

I have been BPD for many years..I went from being top graduate of my high school, getting a degree in (get this)....PSYCHOLOGY and Chemistry (with a perfect 4.0)...to having NOTHING. No job, no drive, nothing. I cut myself and punch and slap myself. I was the most involved, hardest worker in school always (both in college and high school), and now have absolutely nothing going for me. I've been jobless for over 2 years, have horrible horrible horrible depression, have gained over 100 pounds, have lost many friends, and have been locked up in a messy room for all that time. Funny enough though, I still go out a couple of times a month and EVERYONE thinks I'm completely normal. I'm still the usual life of the party, always dressed impecably, and everyone always wants to hang out with me. If they only knew... I love to travel and do so pretty often...it's the ONLY time I have no flare-up's but I just can't afford to be doing that all the time or running away from the pain all of the time.

Someone..anyone..please help me. Give me some guidance, some hope, something! Are there any places online (other than forums like these) where I could get some more help? I'm desperate and am scared for my own life.