OMG clearly i am losing my mind. this is REALLY long, just so you know. I've been dealing with something internally for a while now with T and my clinic, and I am finally putting it into words. Things take a long time to "cook" with me.... *sigh*.... so, i just sent T this LONG email confronting a challenge I am having with my clinic. I dunno what will happen now. I need to go thru and change the names... may look funny.... good luck if you are going to read it.... Oh - my purpose for posting is to show risk taking (and keep pushing myself) and to gain support for this scary thing because I am afraid I'll lose my T and MD and SW (Social worker) if I can't comply with the "intergrative clinic". They spend 2 hours (a week I think... hopefully not a day...) putting their heads together about all the clients so they can give the client the most benifit. Soooooooo.... hugs appreciated. Maybe it's a good thing i won't see T for 9 days.... *sigh*
Here's the email....

Dear T,
About my whole irritation and angst about the "integrative" piece with clinicians talking about me (working together). I know that the last time I wrote about this, I said it did not need to be brought up again - little do i know. Like you keep reminding me, I'm an observer, and i'm a thinker, and i've been working on this in the back of my mind for a long while.

I know that this is the model of the clinic. And I know (like SW has said) that, though my dr's are talking about me, it is that they want things FOR me not FROM me.
But what it feels like to me (which I finally just worked through today and even talked about some in group tonight) is that it feels like there is no confidentiality and that I have no solid boundaries. It feels to me like it is recreating the patterns of my household. Where everyone knows what I do, what I say, who i have conflict with, if i had a panic attack - and I can't say "I don't want people to know this" because this is the way the clinic functions. This is the way the family functions.
It is also hard because at home I am working on boundary setting (even though it is VERY difficult for me to be heard with mom) but that I can't set boundaries at the clinic. Which seems to undermine my work (even though I know it is not supposed to) because I am still having to be one way at home (boundary setting against the powers that don't want to allow me to) and not setting them at the clinic - because my boundary would be "I don't want anyone to talk about me. Period. I don't want to have one collective file where everything from everyone is thrown in. I don't know what people know and don't know." And yes, it does feel paranoid.

I don't know how to move forward from this conflict. I feel like I need to be careful with what I say or write because I ultimately don't know who will find out about it later. But "there are no secrets". So I am struggling. At the same time, I can acknowledge that it is good and growth that I am able to understand the inner conflict and address it. Having an internal system of alters like I do, the subject of quitting the clinic has been played out and replayed. Which isn't want I want. In my perfect world, I want you to not talk with MD or DO or anyone about me, nor them with you or anyone else. But I don't want to lose you or MD or SWeither. I understand that my work with DO is decreasing and probably ending as it is with Accu. But that doesn't mean they are out of my life (I guess, I am working on understanding that and really do not even want to look at that - it causes too much confusion). But it means (i think) less people talking about me (i hope) which is good.

Still I don't think I have adequately explained how big an issue it is to me to have others discuss me - I'm trying....
-that is one of the first things i was taught as a kid - don't talk about others if they are not present.
-mom always told dad everything, then i usually got severly spanked and grounded for it.
-dad always told mom and grandma everything and had them police me on my groundings - grandma took it upon herself to be my personal Gestapo
-dad always used family, friends, relatives, neighbors, church goers, boy friends, dr's and other people in the community to get info about me and use it against me.
-dad called my teachers all the way from grade school through high school, even got me in trouble several times with my teachers for it, even called camps i was at, called a traveling group i was in for a year (came in 2nd of "Parents who call the most" in a cast of 150 students), was even going to call my college professors -so i refused to give him any names!!!!
- dad ALWAYS knew what I was going to do or try to do before I could do it - often even before I thought of it, or the fricking day i thought of it, even when i didn't live in the same god-dammed State.
-dad would then take on whatever i did and make it his own or an "us thing" until i gave it up.
-dad was my "planner" and made my schedule, my life, my apnts, told me who to see, where and when to go.
-dad made himself my vocal coach, stage coach, life coach... said he was going to be my manager in my performance life on the road.
-now mom, i can't go anywhere without telling her where i am going, when i will be back, who it will be with, and what i will be doing. i have to call if i am not back when i say i will be (i'm 31!!).
-if mom forgets where i have gone (for the umpteenth time) she will call to find out if i am still alive or dead on the side of the road somewhere. now days, when i come home and she says "Is that you?" I say "NO!" "Are you alive?" (when calling)... "nope - I'm dead, Jim".
I ... I... just never have any PEACE, any SPACE... it's like the whole friggin world knows my life! I'm not saying the world revolves around me. It's like I'm Atlas, pushing the world away!! No - just kidding. Things are a lot more peaceful now with dad out of my life. Though I'm still never sure he's really gone. He even found the WA. Girl Scout camp online (that's not supposed to be online for safety reasons) and told me he was coming to visit me. He didn't ask - he just stated. Thankfully, he didn't come. Which is good cuz I told the Camp Dir. to not let him in if he did. Heh. But he was lawless - he was a law unto himself.

I am having to face that originally with every single therapist I have worked with, I have said "I have no idea what I am doing or why I am here, I just know that I need to be here - you take control." And now, that I am in that exact situation, i am FREAKING out about it. Oh the irony. Maybe I just didn't have any ideas about control back then and do now. Maybe i just have more clarity now. I still don't often know what I need or how to obtain it - only that I am constantly irritable and anxious during the week between all my various sessions, been contemplating quitting the clinic for 2 months now (the inner voices staging a rally), and starting to do a lot of negative thinking before each various appointment (ok so more like the last month).

I just didn't have the clarity of WHY it was upsetting me so much. That it is like re-creating the life system I was raised in and still trying to break free from.

Then i curse myself/selves for being argumentative with my various medical team ( I don't know that I can change that one, heh) which is why i always want to apologize to everyone for having to put up with me.

Group leader, bless him, at the end of today said, "I care and I want to go to your team and say "Kiya's having a hard time with this" but that is exactly what you don't want, so I'm going to stand back and let you do it (and I hope you will)."

OK........ sorry it is another foot-long email. @_@ but it took me a really long time to put that together and into words where I could explain it. I still don't know what to do about it. But I am going to work on being calm.... Breathing.....
(i'm sorry!!!)
kiya