(((((((((((((( Leslie ))))))))))))))) It sounds to me like phil is in denial and is scared of changing. He wants you to do all the changing. His words do show that he cares (as well as being confusing...) - I'd discuss this with your T - as he is ok with the idea but taking a passive role it sounds like it would work for you to interview the counsellor(s) first to find a good fit. Be especially gentle with you right now

PS maybe wait until after the holidays to look for the couples counselling now as holiday times add to the weirdness and stress? Focus on you and all the good work you're doing with T