honestly i couldnt tell you whos to blame. i hate the fact that im brunette because every time a guy has left me its been for a blonde girl. so even though my boyfriend likes brunettes and not blondes, i still dont like that about myself. i have been diagnosed with keratosis pilaris which is like inflamed hair follicles on my legs so my legs have these little red bumps on them. my dermatologist said it should clear up in my early 20s but it hasnt. i also hate that my legs are so fat even though no one says their fat and actually compliment me on my legs. the only part of my entire body that im okay with is my stomach, and not even all the time.

so its like... i hate all this stuff about me. and he even tells me "i have dated some pretty good looking women and you are by far the most attractive." and he always tells me "you look cute today" and for some reason i just cant let it sink in that he does in fact think im attractive and then appply that to me thinking im attractive.

i did gymnastics, dance, basketball, volleyball, color guard.... nobody ever called me fat or ugly or anything like that. ive never had problems getting dates or anything. so it seems to me like these feelings just come from thin air

i have been cheated on before. and the guy that cheated on me actually called me to say i had mail at his house and when i got there she was in the living room in his shirt and his boxers. and he did it on purpose, i didnt have any mail there. he just wanted to rub it in my face that he could get this girl. because he had told me before "if we werent together i would be with her." so when i broke up with him it was like "hey, just so y'know we have been seeing each other and i did get her so you can go ahead and feel bad about yourself now."

and when I was 14, my first boyfriend ever broke up with me because i wouldnt have sex with him. so apparently ive dated some jerks. but i dont see either of those as a reason to hate my body so much?

although, my mom has always dieted and done the weight watchers, jenny craig thing. she gained a lot of weight after my brother died and then never lost it so shes always been pretty obsessed with weight. and up until recently ive always been 20-30 lbs under weight. im about 5'8'' or 5'9'' and up until age 18 i only weighed like 120 lbs. and for someone with my build and my height im supposed to weigh at least 150 and my ideal weight is around 160 which is what i am now. but because i was under weight for so long, this weight feels horrible fat to me. and people even tell me "you look like youve gained weight. thats good because you were too skinny before." so how do i take that and turn it into "god im so fat"?

sorry this was so long lol