You know, as the name says, I just gotta vent. So that's my introduction. Needlessly to say, I'm not in the best mood.
My problem is that I just can't move on. For some reason, I can't. I had some problems 2 years ago. Yes, 2 years ago. It was semi serious but in the end I figured out it was really nothing and just a product of all kinds of circumstances. Anxiety, depression, all that...I was dealing with all that.
But see, people move on, get better. Not me somehow. I'm a hostage to my past, want to but for some reason can't let it go and it's so stupid.
I have grand plans for me, for a while I was working towards achieving them, I still am, I practice positive thinking, always want to think positive, I know all my fears and anxieties are idiotic, irrational and nothing really that has any basis in reality and so why don't I just do the right thing but always hide like a weasel and have the fear take the best of me? You know, I'm confident, some way, somehow, I"ll have my way. But why is it taking so long damnit. You know, I can feel in my day to day activities that it keeps me back. Time just flies. I do nothing. And time is of the most crucial essence to me. If I were doing anything productive, I'd be happy but instead all the stupid things happen because of fear, because I'm just too afraid to for example socialize with people and it's stupid. At least now I understand I have a lot to give to people and I'm great, charismatic and all that...but why then am I so ashamed of myself? I know one reason. Because currently I'm a work in progress, doing really nothing that stands out, is any good.....kinda think, people will think of me as a screwup even though I really am not. I'm very smart, talented and will amount to things.

But not..I repeat not, if the fear keeps getting the best of me. I declared war to fear, anxiety and all stupid things keeping me constantly back. They're completely irrational but somehow them bastards keep winning. It's because I constantly delay things, then when the time comes, I delay again, say to myself, it's okay I"ll do it, first this, then that..but the time never comes to actually go and do things. I say to myself, okay okay, baby steps, it takes time....but **** that, I know deep down I'm fooling myself. I know I'm delaying things because I dont' want to comfort them. But I actually do. And eventually I will. But when...damnit, why can't I just go for it? I suck so freaking much. And life is just passing me by. Day by day, minute at a time, I just keep wasting it. I know I'm wasting it. I know I want to change it. But it's like there's this something, this fear, anxiety, shame of myself, fear of getting to introduce myself to people, have fun, fear of being judged that always blocks me, always stops me. Worst than anything is not doing anything and it's exactly where I'm at. I hate it from the bottom of my heart. I want to be, I need to be proactive, assertive but never quite do it. And funny thing is I know..it's never easy at first. Just get it going and it"ll get easier..but eh... Tomorrow I guess. But I've saying that for so long. It's not coming along easily. One day when I succeed, I better not take it for granted. I know I"ll make it. But it's so frustrating. And hopefully this message makes me see how frustrating it was. Even though it's really nothing and completely irrational BS. And that's really why I disgust myself. Because I can really do it but my petty BS prevents me. I suck.

Oh well, if you're read all that, I apologize for wasting a minute or two of your life. Tomorrow damnit..tomorrow...just need to freaking do it and hold my ground, maintain it go. **** FEAR **** FEAR **** FEAR!!!! I'm tired of it.