Just spent the entire day avoiding finishing something REALLY important so I have a chance of getting another job after this one. (Writing a science paper for publication). Also, so I can stay in Boston and not have to go home. Looked up procrastination.... decided I'm scared of success (I become public in the science world), AND failure (they'll find out I'm crap).

At least the dogs at the animal shelter benefited from my procrastination. I wish I could work there, but I either won't feel like I'm good enough because of the depression, or I won't be good enough because of the depression. Probably couldn't get a visa to do that either, though they do do behavioural research at the shelter.

Need more meds. But they give me constipation and I have fissures and my pdoc doesn't give a s**t. Ha Ha. I don't trust him, he throws meds at me. Gave me max dose of effexor with trazadone and didn't warn me of really serious side effects. Need a new pdoc who'll work with me. Me and current pdoc are working against each other. Too much to sort out!!!

I'm stuck cos I need to deal with my pdoc to get more meds, but it feels too difficult to deal with my pdoc. Getting stuck from not facing people is a big problem for me and my T and group home counsellor want me to do it. They say if I tell him there's a problem maybe he'll change. But I'm stuck. I want to leave him and just write him a letter, but I'll feel bad about that.

Spent most of the rest of the day looking up pdocs. Need to meet them to see if I think they're ok. Have no time with writing paper, or not writing paper when I should be. Gonna be in trouble tomorrow. Should've finished by now.