(((((((((Kiya))))))))))))),
It is so good that you are able to articulate how you feel! About your upcoming return to an awaited nuclear disaster, I bought this just for you:


You'll be safe and I'm sure you'll look great in yellow!

I'm really glad you wrote this thread! MissC's statement that your situation is like reliving a boundary-less childhood was very enlightening. I also HATE when other people know things about me, but, ironically, I often tell people TOO much information. Then, I feel so vulnerable afterwards. I suspect it is a reenactment of some sort but I so wish I could stop. Even thought I tell others information, I can't stand when other people tell other people my information. Until I met the consultant, I hated that my T was talking to her about me even though I signed the release form. When I met her, it made me feel so much better because she was very kind and empathic. I call my "team" -- my circle. I always have at least three people in my circle, usually all authority figures that I idealize. Now I have T and a person who is the behavioral specialist at my school. Pdoc was the third until he left. Now I've put the consultant in his place. The people in my circle now have the following in common: they understand me (most of the time) and why I act like I do. They don't judge me. They forgive me for my mistakes. I got the circle idea from the Lord of the Rings. Unfortunately, I'm the bearer of the ring but at least I carry three good things along with the rest of the burden, ha. My analogizing never stops.

Now, my T HAS told me when he was angry with me twice. The first time, as you know, was a NUCLEAR DISASTER! Unfortunately, I didn't have the suit above, I didn't foresee it coming so wasn't prepared. It was devastating and I still hate thinking about it to this day. It was toxic to say the least. The second time was difficult and I still remember it in images but I was able to get over it moreso than I was the first disclosure of anger. I was angry at my T for over three months for being angry at me. I guess I've made progress in tolerating anger and don't want any more practice.

So, you're taking a risk AND you missed a Dr.'s appointment? I can't imagine missing an appointment! You're so courageous! I hope the suit fits, be sure to wear it just in case. Wishing you the best!