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i'm not bipolar, but i've lived with this question for many years of my life. pain and depression have been around for me since i was about 7 years old.
at 18 i wanted to end the pain and i wanted to live and thankfully i encountered God in a way that was the first light in the dark room of my life. 37 years later that light still shows me the way one small step at a time.
God is the answer to my question of why i am still alive. he is not the answer in any slick, superficial way. he has offered life to me and kept me going. he has lead me to various healers and doctors and people who have been a part of my story and my solution.
i'm alive not because it is such a riot of fun and wonder, but because i matter. with all my flaws, damage and pain i am alive because it is important to God that i am still in this world. i don't understand a lot of things. i'm not powerful or clever. but i am here because it matters to God and to a few people like my dad, my husband and my daughters and some other people who need me to be here - even though i am broken.
my moods fluctuate and so does my level of struggle. some days i still do not "want" to live because my pain is overwhelming. there are days i do not want to get out of bed and only do it because someone is coming home that night and will need dinner. but just as often as my hope fades and dies somehow it gets re-animated. i attribute that to God because i don't have what it takes to bring things back to life.
i believe you are alive because you matter to God and to some people - even though some days you wish that you could just not be here. there are reasons you are alive and the most important reason is because you matter.
leslie
(dx include mpd/did; ptsd; bpd; depression; chronic pain)
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  HEALING HAPPENS
Last edited by multipixie9; Nov 28, 2008 at 10:38 PM.
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