I "missed" Thanksgiving.
Wednesday night I felt very sad. I cried for hours. I felt so alone. Too guilty to reach out. I was stuck in my self hate and hopelessness . . . I couldn't sleep. As I often do on Holidays- I dread facing my family. I'm ashamed of who I've become. So I just sleep through it. Went to sleep Thursday morning and woke up Friday night.
My family is going to be so angry with me - I don't know how to even begin to explain to them why I do these things. I'm also afraid of their anger, the rejection... the judging. This could potentially cause a 'fight' and I'll be 'punished' for what I did... they'll ignore me, make remarks about my absence, and accuse me of being a ***** for not thinking of others - and being 'selfish'.
If they only knew....

I know that when I can make it to family events and parties, I end up crying in a closet, or I hide out somewhere for hours crying...

Do they think I want to live this way?

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Now I'm anxious about contacting them to explain this and it's really making me feel worse. I can't please everyone. I can't please me.