Hi, Zh

I am going to do my best to answer the questions asked.

The question of how many friends have I left in the Wake? I am not really sure on this one. I am not one who has ever really in my life had very many TRUE friends to say. Mostly those from the past were included in my trauma's and contributed over time to my PTSD in one form or another. Mostly I to date I only have a few friends in 3D and those people in 3D are not close friends, I do not have any close friends at the present, even when I try and talk to those considered to be the 'closest' of my friends I feel afterwards distressed and worried I have said or acted the wrong way with no arguments or raising of voices.

Job Loss? Yes, I was mis diagnosed as being Chronic Paranoid Schizophrenia in the early '90's going on disibility and living in group homes.

Of the friendships ending of Outbursts of PTSD, they were in my best interest looking back can't think of anyone who I was friends with that were really TRUE friends in the so called former friendships. Most of them had towards me just as many if not more outbursts than I did and it was really a good thing for both parties to end the friendship all together as it in my experience did take two in order for all the arguments and such. I would say it was not my or their faults either way it was a combination of the two put together.

As far as making any ammends, those who I did have or see as being friends all did their part in hurting me as well as them possibly being hurt emotionally. I barely remember these or hardly any of them so I can not apologize for things triggered me if I am unable to remember what they were and what things during the time we were together.

I am unable to remember daily the events of the day as it is. Strangers to me may approach me at say a store and tell me "hello" and even call me by my first name. I have no idea in my mind who these people or person is or are. I at times just return the 'Hello" try to avoid then the rest of the day wonder who they were, where I should know them from and How am I supposed to know them and from when and where.

I suppose if I was triggered and a person approached me, as I am already triggered by thousands of things of most I am not aware, and the hundreds of situations and traumas come in to play , the flashbacks and nightmares at present the traumas do not connnect and as I have no honest memory if I did or not hurt people I can not apologize for the PTSD especially the most of which I do not understand and for things may or may not have said that were hurtful to others those of which I have no memory or have no ability to recall the situation to have even existed in itself. I can not be something I am not.

I believe that in combination with my other MI and Disorders that the PTSD which I know nothing really much about as just beginning to work on.

As far as an Excuse, I really do not think for myself to be an excuse of my behaviour, most of which is only involved within myself and not directed in a hurtful way. I feel bad if I realize I have hurt someone's feelings in the moment and usually apologize and try to bring myself back to the present and then work on it from there. Past that I do not use my PTSD symptoms as an excuse, only the cause of my acting the way I do and some of the things I might say or do. Along with the rest of my disorders and illness' it only contributes to my behaviour as I never go out and intenenally say or do things hurtfull to other people intentally.

I have a long way to go in order to manage and only expect of myself to maintaing my disorders and know I will never be who I once was again and in the same never totally recover from my disorders entirely.

In my therapy I am working on Maintaining symptoms to not for them to progress as many have done so over the years. So in the past is the past I hope those I May have hurt can understand and in the present I try to stay and do my best and to maintain