I wish I could delete them, that's the problem. They won't go away! I try very hard to stop thinking about those things when I am awake, but I have no control over what my mind does in my sleep. I'm back there over and over, I don't know how I get there, I just arrive and realize where I am, and that I have to get out. Sometimes I'll have similar dreams four or five times a night. Often, I arrive in the middle of his family, like an intruder, and I need to slink away. I see his children, and his wife. They look at me disdainfully, and I feel dirty and ashamed. Even if I get away, I arrive there again. Sometimes in my dream it's that I've gone back again, sometimes it's that I never left, I'm still there and the intervening time didn't exist. Only when I'm fully awake do I realize where I am and then I am so grateful, so grateful to be here!
Sometimes I think I see him driving by. I remember every vehichle I have thought I have seen him in just in case, the most recent, a golden yellow civic hatchback. I watch for him at the mall so I can hide. This is so stupid! There is nothing he can do to me now, and I know it. But I just can't stop this. I havent seen him for years. It's been years and it doesn't go away. What do I have to do? What is there left that I could possibly do?