Do you know what... I'm scared... because I'm calm... but I'm not calm in my head I know I'm not, does that make sense?

Thanks for the help-lines Marci.... I'm sorry, but Samaritans is a no go, the past three times I've phoned them I've ended up worse (I'm not sure anyone will answer at this time either)
Te SI help-line is closed and I'm too old for Childline.
thank you so much for posting the numbers though