I guess the start of my surrender came Dec. 25 2006 when I went to a local ER because I was withdrawing so badly after a really bad 4 day bender after loosing a job due to drinking, and I was afraid of having another withdrawl seizure. I remember lying there hooked up to all sorts of machines that kept beeping becasue none of my vital signs were normal. I came very close to having a heart attack or stroke. And all I could think of was that line from the Preamble, "We alcoholics must hang together else most of us will finally die alone." and I realized that despite the fact that I'd been trying to kill myself with booze I realized that I wanted to live and that I certainly didn't want to die of alcohol complications alone in a hospital with no one knowing where I was. It was at that point that I realized that I couldn't do it myself, and that I was going to have to ask for help if I was going to get well.
I was really lucky, I was admitted to the hospital, and while I was in they made me see a social worker and a psychiatrist who referred me to the hospital's addictions treatment program. That started my journey to sobriety. I learned so much in that addictions program and they were so patient with me when I kept relapsing, it truely was the right program at the right time.
Unfortunately as my addiction was coming under control, my mental illness was getting worse, and everyone from my addictions Dr. to my T could see it but me. When my pdoc came back from her medical leave and saw me, she said she was ready to admit me on the spot, but I had always sworn that the one thing I would not do would be a psych admission. After finally facing the obvious - that I was not coping and that I was in danger of relapsing again, I surrendered again and decided to trust my pdoc and admitted myself for what turned out to be a 7 week stay in a psych ward. It was both one of the hardest and best things I've ever done for myself. In some ways it was even harder than getting sober because it meant admitting things about myself that I'd faught tooth and nail for years.
But thanks to finally facing my fears, admitting that I needed help, and accepting help that was offered, I'm sober today, and I'm giving back to people, and I feel like I'm on hte start of an incredible journey of discovery, where I'm finally figuring out who the real me is. Sometimes I like her, sometimes I don't but that's ok because now I know I have choices and I can continue to ask for help and get help making changes for the better.
I had "trust the Process" put on my one year medallion, because it was only by letting go of my needing to control everything, and starting to trust other people and my higher power and believe that things would work out, as long as I didn't take that first drink, that I was able to finally make it to one year of sobriety, one day at a time.
And now I have an incredible network of support that I can call on when I need to, so that I don't have to rely only on myself, all because I was finally willing to surrender my ego.
--splitimage
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"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.
"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba
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