hi lenny,
i've seen your posts often in this forum. thanks so much for the topic "surrender".
i finally surrendered to the fact that i didn't have the alcohol, it had me, 18 years ago now. i tried every trick in the book to hold on to the alcohol until i was spiritually bankrupt and realized i was out of life options literally.
i had willingly gone into a psych ward because i felt devoid of any emotion and felt hopeless and helpless. at that time quite honestly i had lost all hope for myself. i felt as though i was in a black hole. once the doctors had gotten the bipolar under control i was afraid they would release me. i knew i would not want to live in the world if i drank and also knew that would be just what i'd do if they released me. i told them that and they kept me in the hospital. feeling desparate (cause i knew they couldn't keep me forever!) one night i prayed to the "God of my understanding". why i had not done this before i have no idea. i asked "Him" to please help me cause i did not want to live if i was drinking and nothing i'd tried worked. after a long serious prayer of begging "Him" to help me do the impossible i got into the bed. my prayer did not consist of any what-ifs or bartering cause i knew i was at the door of choosing life or death. when i awoke the next morning i had a tiny mustard seed size of hope. i was so afraid it would go away i was even afraid to tell my doctor for fear i would break the spell. i finally told him cause each day that hope got stronger. when i left the hospital (64 days later) i was emotionally and spiritually strong enough to continue forward in a 12 step program going sometimes twice a day if i could. i was holding on for dear life cause i knew He had done for me what i could not do for myself.
i have often shared that the act of "surrendering" actually set me FREE. that's a contradiction of terms but for me it is true. i'm free to live a sober life, free to breathe air, free to love and care for others, free to help others as i was so freely helped by my friends. the greatest gift for me of surrendering aside from being sober is my conscious contact with a God of my understanding. oh, how he loves me! i am enveloped by his love and know now that i am worthy and i will never be alone again cause He is aways with me!
TODAY i am happy, joyous and free, i say even when things are off kilter.
a very grateful recovering alcoholic,
jan