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Dec 01, 2008, 03:52 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2008
Location: east of the sun, west of the moon
Posts: 2,259
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my mom died when my daughters were 10 and 5. my abuse issues with her just seemed to blow up in my mind and i wanted to die to be out of pain.
i kept thinking of my girls and husband and even people around us. i knew they would all ask things like, "is it my fault?" "is there something i should have done or not done?"
"why? why? why? why? why? why?......." "how could she do this to me?" "if she couldn't stay alive what about me?"
i finally realized the depth of anger, selfishness and cruelty that lies at the bottom of many who commit suicide. so...i decided i had to keep on living. i just do not want to inflict all these wounds on the people in my life BECAUSE i know so well how badly things have hurt me. the very agonizing depths of my pain have taught me i DO NOT want to hurt others as i have been. it is just not right for me to do it.
A BAD MOM, WIFE, FRIEND IS BETTER THAN NONE!!!
my family and friends would rather have me here - as someone who is "walking wounded" than go to my funeral. so, i'm gonna stick it out with the help of God and people.
please stick it out you do not know who all is counting on you, miserable as you are right now!!! i want you all here, not dead.
There's a quote; i can't remember who said it, but it goes like this, "Every man's death diminishes me". John Donne said, "No man is an island." we are interconnected so each of us matters to many others.
i'm not trying to preach or rant, but i feel very passionately about this topic and i have considered it more times than i like to say.
many who think of suicide REALLY just want relief from the severe pain they are in. there are solutions to problems; if you hang on things will change in time. compared to where i was then (my daughters are now 26 and 21) my life is amazing and full of wonder and hope (but not problem free)!
i care about each one of you here on pc.com even if i do not know you personally. 
leslie and her pixies
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 HEALING HAPPENS
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