im not sure it was good for me, we broke up a coulpe months ago,she went from wanting to get married to im not sure if i can do this relationship for about 1 month, then broke it off, then stopped talking to me. recently about 2 weeks ago she started texting me and answering mine. ive made it clear im still in love with her. so friday night she calls me and says she wants to see me. i was at my sisters about an hour away from her and she said never mind we'll do it another night. so we set it up to see eachother the next night. so i see her .we are sitting on the couch watching movies, im nervous i want to hold her , hug her but im afraid. eventually her leg leans on me and ive got my arm around her leg, then she takes my arm and puts it around her. so we are like cuddling on the couch, holding hands. i start to talk about our relationship and how ive been in a string of really bad ones for the last 10 years. i told her she was the first woman that just consistently loved me and that i usually date people who are very closed off. i tell her i want that again, i dont get how after a year and a half of being completely in love with me she just shuts down. she says we are friends thats all it can be. im hurt i want to leave but i cant, what if i dont see her again. maybe shes just holding feelings back, maybe she does care but is afraid to tell me, thats how she was in the beginning and all the sudden she just poured out her feelings for me and stayed that way for almost 2years. im lost, confused scared.
so i drop it back a notch, start talking about our sex life and make a joke about i guess we are not having sex then huh. again she quotess the just friends thing. something in me just makes me grab her hold her and kiss her. things got heated and we are about to intimate, she stops and says, if we do this, you have to know this does not mean we are getting back together. then she says this will happen under one condition, you can not tell you love me. it broke my heart, i keep hearing it over and over. i wanted to leave and probably should have, but i went through with it, i thought i just needed to feel close to her again. we fell asleep holding eachother and i stayed the night. in the morning shes still the same, no feeling. she hugs me gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and says goodbye. i asked her sunday if she felt anything saturday night, any feelings for me other than friends, she said, no im sorry. does any of this make sense? can i get some input from any women on here? this is killing me, but i just cant let her go. i keep hoping that she will just open up one day and tell me shes crazy about me like she did when we first got together. maybe im chasing something thats allready gone. i just dont know. i told her i would take a step back and hope she takes one forward and ii not then i guess its not meant to be. i told her not to forget how mch i love her, and that even if we have to start from the beginning im fine with that. i also said i would be there for anything, even if its just friendship. i hope im doing this right, i hope im not just putting myself through pain and hurt for nothing. any advice or input would really be appreciated.