Sigh.... okay, here goes... I hope that you guys don't all hate me for this.

I have managed to get very addicted to tylenol 1's. They are OTC here in canada and the drugstore doesn't monitor how much you use. It started slowly, the doc told me to take them for chronic pain condition(fibromyalgia + Degenerative discs disease in my lumbar spine) and thus, i began taking them.

Im not quite sure when I got addicted, I just know that suddenly I wasn't getting releif from the regular dose, and figured since it was weaker than tylenol 3, i could take as much to equal a dose of T3. Then that became not any good, and i upped it again. I've managed to get to a very high dose - the equivalent of about six t3's all at once when i dose. That doesn't sound like alot but its ALOT of tylenol and I know its doing damage to my liver.

I have an ENORMOUS amount of guilt, because I do them when my son is still here, albeit he is sleeping.. And i don't get obliterated, just a little motivation and energy to get me through the night. Does this make me a bad mother? I sure feel like it sometimes.

Why am I doing it? I know why Im doing it. For two reasons - One being it gives me a rush of energy and motivation thats sort of like being slightly manic. I am tired and exhausted all the time and a little lift like this is just what the doctor ordered(pun intended) to get me through a rough night or day. The other reason is now im so embroiled that if i dont take them i get serious sick withdrawls.. picture the worst stomach flu ever, and you will know what i go through.

So why don't i just stop? Seems simple, right? Oh but its NOT simple at ALL. Because if i stop, i suffer serious pain, and I am almost unable to walk i get so sore. Plus if i stop the depression/fatigue comes roaring back and i am left with no energy to get through the day.

Tonight i took too many pills (dont worry, not enough to seriously harm me - but too many nonetheless) and now I am in panic mode. The caffeine in the pills has made me VERY anxious. And has made me feel a new conviction to get OFF these pills. So this is my first step, posting here, to figure out how the hell i do this with a chronic pain condition on top of everything.

Hell, this is not what I signed up for!! I want off the rollercoaster now kplzthx.

For those who listened and post, thank you! I appreciate your care. If you don't know what to say, hugs are appreciated to know people out there understand.

Thanks you guys. Im sorry to have let you all down. I am trying to fix this very hard.