You said you keep going back to the pain. Next time your mind goes back there, loudly say "NO". I know it may seem silly and useless, but it can't hurt to try. After you say that, start some positive self-talk, even if you don't believe it right now and you think it is all useless. "NO! I will not go there. I've been hurt enough. The pain needs to stop now. I will make the pain stop. I deserve that. I do not deserve to hurt." It has worked for me, it may or not work for you but it's worth a try. YOU are worth a try. Don't give up on you. Let all of us here help you, but you have to trust us when we say there IS hope, there IS light. Trust your social worker, too; call her and voice your concern about not being able to see her if you join this program. If she still feels it is best for you, trust her. Remember you can always the make the choice to stay or not. Please, if you feel you can't hold on any longer, call emergency services or go to the hospital.