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leslie and the pixies, thank you...
Sometimes I get the feeling that there are people who do feel that every one of us should jump on the wagon of "I Forgive."
I sincerely respect their choice as they make their way on their path...
However, I do not feel that anyone,obviously that includes me, should be judged as not being on the true path of healing unless I do as they do--forgive.
In an earlier post on a different thread, I shared that after a session with my abuser that he went outside and smashed his head against a rock while begging for mercy and understanding from his god.
I knew at that moment it was something beyond me/my understanding.
He was mentally disturbed, was aware of this, yet his decision was to continue with the abuse.
My years of being a psychiatric nurse have given me a bit of understanding and compassion for many violent offenders. I still hold them, and my abuser, accountable for their actions.
Over the years, my thoughts have gone through an evolution and this is the way it should be--I've no desire to stagnate in any part of my life.
Forgiveness frees me? No, it frees them from responsibility from what they did to us.
Accepting it happened, letting go of the shame and guilt, and loving myself freed me.
Again, forgiveness is between them and their god.
Again, jmo.
There is also another side of it...jmo.
If I'm as honest as I can allow myself to be, the abuse made me stronger. It made me defiant that he, and the others, would not bring me to my knees, I would leave there as soon as I could, and I resolved to never treat another human being in the same way...I was not aware of generational issues at that point.
The strength and determination helped me get through two years in the Nam war. I would not be defeated by the pain and suffering of those young men...that didn't work out, though. After so many deaths and holding hands with the ones who made it, I was drained and hardened.
During the years I was homeless and didn't give one iota about what happened to me? There's that hidden strength again.
Do I thank them for it? No.
Am I grateful there was a Higher Power that stood with me and helped me survive? Yes.
Did it take me years to see it this way? Absolutely.
Everyone travels at their own pace and reaches their personal conclusions, and this is all right/as it should be. That it changes over the years is a gift less we die old and bitter and ignorant.
Cap
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The most dangerous enemy is the one in your head telling you what you do and don't deserve.
~~unknown~~
http://capp.psychcentral.net
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