Quote:
Originally Posted by salix11
And in my own experience, having an abusive birth father and having bad things happen, yes I do want to lose my mother too, since she allowed it to happen in the first place. My own thinking is that, everyone makes mistakes...but some mistakes really are unforgivable, especially if they permanently mess my life up in a very negative way. She probably sees things the way I do - you, as a mother, have a duty to protect your children, and you failed in that duty.
Why do you think you're oh so innocent and entitlement to goddess-like treatment by your daughter whose life you messed up? I'm tired of seeing mothers who stick around with abusers think their children should not at all be affected when they definitely are. That's delusional if you ask me. Let your daughter go and let her live her fragmented life as best she can. If she's at all like me, just having you around is extremely painful.
|
I hear alot of pain in your words Salix, and I'm sorry that you had an abusive childhood.
I do not appreciate your anger towards me but I also understand it. Your parents disappointed you miserably. I've always tried to be a good mother and I love my kids with all of my being. I left the abuser to protect them. Yes, they had 3 years of hell at a young age, but I also gave them 20+ years after that of a loving, stable, safe home and family. Thier stepfather (who has always loved them as his own) and I did everything we possibly knew how to create an environment where they could thrive. Yes, I do think that should account for something. And my children love him for being the father he was to them.
I have messed up my daughter's life? I think it would have been much more messed up if I had stayed with her birth father. I doubt very much she would have gone to law school or had the many successes she's already had in life, including a good man who she's going to marry next year and good friends who adore her. Her life would have been very different if I had not left. I didn't want my life for her, I wanted her to have the choices I didnt so she could have the life she wants. And she does.
Nobody goes into a marriage or relationship thinking they are going to be beaten. You expect to be happy and loved for the rest of your life. When it begins to become something else, especially if you have a young family, you try to fix it and get your fairytale back. There are alot of things going on in an abusive marriage, its not all black and white.
The world is not a perfect place. There are no perfect parents or perfect children. You do the best you can with what you have at the time you have it. That's it. Yes it might not be good enough for someone else and you might fail sometimes. But if you've done your best, what more can anyone ask of you?
I think there comes a time when even the abused must forgive the abuser. I forgave my ex, but it took many years to get there. I forgave him because I needed to forgive myself and begin the long journey of healing. Forgiving is not the same as saying "its ok what you did", because clearly it's not. Its accepting that we are all wounded, broken, hurting (yes, even the abuser)...and then moving past it. We dont focus on ourselves when we are busy nurturing grudges against others.
I dont know your whole story or what your mother is like. But I do hope that someday you can forgive her even if you cant love her. You are still very young and have alot of mistakes to make ahead of you. Some day you too will want to be forgiven.