Interesting thread. I don't think I have deliberately tried to anger the "men" that was in my life. Just seemed everything I did angered them.. shrugs shoulders. One boyfriend accused me of sleeping with the neighbor and chased me with a big board, in a rage and wildly swinging at me. Am lucky he didn't hit me or I prob would not be here today. That was one long, big board. shudders just thinking about it. That night I walked five miles to the nearest hotel. Odd thing is I was the one working and paying all the bills. All he did was drink. Yet I was so in love. omg how dumb can we be.

I think "in my case" I seem to gravitate to that which is familiar, even if it is not healthy. Now that I understand this, I don't "gravitate" to many situations or folks. Back then, I never knew what was happening to me was abuse. I was too ashamed to talk about it because it would let others know how bad and worthless I was because if I wasn't bad then I would not be getting hit. geesh.. not the greatest logic...

I never knew I was in abusive relationships. I just did not understand what I was doing wrong or why these awful things were happening to me. When I was in my mid 40s, I started therapy, and that is when I learned my past relationships were abusive. The reason I did not know is because it is what I knew. But for the life of me, I do not know the "why" this would be so familiar to me in regards to childhood.

I am not sure if being in a healthy relationship is scary to me, basically because I have never been in a healthy relationship. But I can say I've felt very uncomfortable in situations that were "prob" healthy and I would shy or run from them. Gessh, put me in a church pew and I will feel dizzy and squirm. Most churches are healthy environments. As with some of the men I was attracted to in the past, which might have been a healthy relationship, I seemed to shy away from them feeling that I was not "good" enough for them. ... geesh.. no wonder most of my life was messed up with that kind of thinking. Even when opportunities on previous jobs were practically handed to me, I would never feel good enough to fill the shoes that these folks saw in me and I'd end up screwing up the opportunity.

I even had some nice guys say they wished they met me before I was screwed up. Thaat I'd am a really nice person, and worthy of good things. Just I do not see it. Geesh the negative things that take control of our lives. Is sad.... I am more positive these days. Just lay low most of the time and am very careful.